Office Etiquette

I was 22 when I got my first office job. All my work experience had been retail and bar and restaurant and I was completely unprepared for the office life. It was the only job I ever got fired from. I was told, “It’s just not working out.” And I agreed whole heartily, but that didn’t stop me from crying. I cried so hard, I got the hic-ups. But I shook hands and thanked them for giving me a chance.

It was the idea that “we are NOT created equal” that I got hung up on. For example, just because the VP of Operations and the Accounting Department get 2-hour lunches, doesn’t mean I (the receptionist) get 2-hour lunches. Sometimes I wish someone had pulled me aside and explained this to me. Twelve years later, I still struggle with this concept, but at least I know to keep my mouth shut.

There are examples of office etiquette that can be (and should be) taught. A young, fresh college grad might need to be reminded that cleavage is generally frowned upon in the professional office atmosphere. There is no place in the office for terms of endearment. This includes “Sweetie”, “Sunshine”, “Hun”, and even “Dude”.

And then there are things that should go without saying. I can NOT think of a single incident where it is appropriate to share the volume of your “flow” with a coworker. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever…NEVER! I don’t want to know how many feminine hygiene products you’ve gone through. I don’t want to know that your cycle is mixed up because you’re going through menopause. I’m totally grossed out knowing that you had a “blow-out”! SAVE IT, LADY!! Fact of life or not, that shit has NO place in the office. I don’t want to know about cramps, irritable bowel syndrome, incontinence, or yeast infections. In fact, if the source of your worries is in anyway associated with your crotch or your crack, save it for your diary.

Thank you.