Attack Critters

I have lived in my house for 5 years and for 5 years I have insisted that we have critters living inside the living room/front porch wall. I hear them in there scratching and thumping around. I don't know what they are, but they're fairly large and they can get pretty rowdy when no one else is around.

My husband has never heard the noises and he insists I'm full of shit. He says, "Show me the hole, Rachel. There's no hole!" And when there is snow, he says, "Where are the foot prints? There's no footprints on the roof!"

We have even gone as far as to get the neighbors involved in this. We invite them over for little séances. "SSSHHHH!! Did you hear that?"

Blah blah blah---Rachel is crazy---blah blah blah, ha ha!

So, my husband is up on the roof Saturday hanging our Christmas lights. My daughter and I are on the side of the house hanging a garland. My husband says, "Hey, Rach…You're not crazy." I thank him for the vote of confidence, but insist that he elaborate. He tells me he found the hole. Apparently, it is the size of his fist.

As we contemplate what to do (Him: "Should we seal it?" Me: "If you seal the hole and there are critters in there, they'll die and stink!" Him: " Well, they won't stink forEVER!") As we are chattering, he looks into the hole and a squirrel jumps out, smacks into his forehead and almost literally flies across the room to the back of the house. All I can say now is that we're lucky he didn't fall off the roof. It scared him so bad, he dang near messed in his pants. My daughter and I laughed so hard, we dang near messed in our pants...and we didn't even see it happen (but we did see the red mark it left on his forehead)!

Where's the video camera when you need it?