How embarrassing…

I had a rather embarrassing moment yesterday. I say moment, but I’m pretty sure this “incident” is going to stick with me for a few years.

I’m at my girlfriend’s house and I sit down on one of the kid chairs at the kitchen table. (No, the chair didn’t break.) As soon as my ass touched the chair, I stood straight up and said, “Woah.” My girlfriend comments that, yeah, the chairs are small. I say, “no, it’s wet.” I grab a napkin off the table, wipe the chair and sit again. More wet. So I reach my hand around and touch my bare ass. Wait a minute---BARE ASS! OH MY GOD, I just grabbed my BARE ASS! My day flashes before my eyes like a near death experience. I see myself volunteering with the vision testing at my daughter’s school, parading around the 5-10 year olds with my ass hanging out. Oh, it gets better! Next, I’m at Home flippin’ Depot flashing my ass all over the appliance department. But I don’t stop there—it’s on to Best Buy before I return to my daughter’s school. I paraded around town for 4 and a half HOURS with my bare ass peeking through a three-inch-long rip in my jeans.

Okay, so this brings us forward to my rather reluctant admission that I am no stranger to ripped britches. In fact, I’ve lost three pairs in almost as many months (yesterday was number 4). I want to believe that it’s not my fault, but four pairs is more than coincidence. You’ll have to take my word that I’m not that big. I wear a size 10. But then maybe THAT’s the problem. You reckon I oughta shoot for size 12?

The good news out of this is that, so far, none of the parents have pressed charges against me (at least not that I know of) AND I get new jeans. And did you catch that I was at Home Depot? I picked out a sexy new kitchen trio. After I shared my horror with my husband, I whipped out a folder full of fliers covered with my notes. I researched online and picked out what I wanted, then went to the first store to confirm my wishes. Finally, I went to a second store to compare prices. He approved all my choices (he doesn't give a shit, but $2K is a LOT of money and he wants to know that I made educated decisions). Tonight, I get the credit card, and since today is the first game of the World Series, I will be going alone to purchase the appliances—and a new set of stainless steal cookware. Why not?