My daughter has become good friends with a child we’ll call A. A is delightful, well mannered little girl with a vivid imagination. She is well dressed, clean, and healthy little girl. On Sunday, we took this child on a hike with us. Her father sent her over with a hoodie (in case it got cold), a bottle of water, an apple, and a banana all carefully placed in a backpack. A also handed me a piece of paper with her father’s cell phone number, “in case of an emergency.”
Sounds responsible, yes? I certainly thought so. Which is why I was so surprised to hear my daughter’s answer to my question, “Are A’s mother and father home?” My daughter tells me that A “…doesn’t have a mother. Her mother is in jail.”
WTF?!? JAIL??? “What (in my head: in the *$@%*&$@ name of all that is good and holy) is her mother in jail for? My daughter tells me she doesn’t know, “She (A) doesn’t like to talk about it because it makes her sad.”
Wow. My daughter’s friend’s mother is in jail. That makes me uncomfortable.
Fast forward two days. I’m walking my daughter to school this morning and she says, “A is excited because her brother got out of jail yesterday.”
I screamed so loud, only the dogs could hear it: BROTHER????? Then in a normal tone I say to my child, “I didn’t know A had a brother.” My child tells me, “Yup…and he just got out of jail.” Then, before I could regain my senses, she continues, “You know what is weird?” I’m thinking I could write a book on weird right now, but decide to humor her. “What’s weird?” She tells me, “A’s mom is in jail and J’s (I haven’t met “J”, but apparently he is A’s next door neighbor.) dad is in jail.
O-M-G--WHAT KIND OF NEIGHBORHOOD AN I LIVING IN?!?!
Folks—I could go on about this for a really long time, but let’s cut to the chase…Do I have a right to know why A’s mom is in jail? Can I just walk down there and ask Dad, “Why is Mom in jail?” And what about Brother? I’m even more concerned about Brother because he’s OUT!” Is he living with them?
Help me. What do I say? What do I do?
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4 comments:
If it was me, I would have the little girl come over to my house but I would not let my child go over to their house AT ALL! I guess I would try to evesdrop ( I know I know- bad form)on what the little girl said and how she acts around my kid and try to nip any bad stuff in the bud. My daughter had a friend whose dad was in and out of jail- drug related- I would have the girl over but I never felt comfortabe having my daughter go over there, I never knew if the dad would be home and having his homies over for a drug party. Some kids need to see how a normal family functions so they can know they don't have to be screwed up when they grow up.
That's a tough one. Because you don't know why mom and brother are/were in jail, it's hard to make a judgment. I mean maybe she wrote too many bad checks. That would elicit a very different reaction than if it was (god forbid!) child abuse. If you have a private moment with A's dad, I think it's OK to ask. But maybe add, let me know if there is anything I can do. It might help. He might be waiting for someone to offer instead of tip-toeing around it. Good luck. That's really tough.
This is a tough one. It would be one thing if the little girl was "a bad seed" and getting your daughter in trouble. It sounds like she is a great kid. It also sounds like dad is great. You have every right to ask what is going on. I'm just not sure what a good way to approach the topic is. Keep us posted.
I think I agree with olga. Sounds like A really needs some wholesome family living to be around. Her dad does sound responsible. I don't think you're out of line to say "my daughter has mentioned a few times that A's mom and brother are in jail, and that her brother is now out. Could I ask what this is about, as I'm not sure what to say to my daughter." We've had some foster kids in our school, and the stories are sad. Those kids often need someone to talk to, and we need to prepare our kids if they are the ones being talked to. A kind word and some normal conversation probably goes a long way, with both A and her dad. (Do you know if mom lived with them before?)
I think it is good for our kids to know there are people who struggle in life and who have different homes - if nothing else to make them appreciate the warm bed and hug they have every night.
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